Dear twin mom (or mom of multiples) trying to navigate your newborns,
It’s so freakin’ hard. You’re tired. No, you’re more than tired; you’re exhausted. You have two new beings in your life that demand a lot from you. Two beings to feed; two beings to burp. There are bottles to be washed and laundry to be done. You’re scrolling through Instagram, and somehow these mom influencers seem to have their shit completely together and look showered? WTF? And singleton parents are saying things that you can’t relate to and giving you advice that just doesn’t work for two babies.
Trust me, I’ve been there. I refer to those newborn days as the dark days. I loved my new babies so much, beyond anything I thought I could ever be capable of, but at the same time, I thought — what in the world did I do to our carefree, fun lives? I had a C-section — not the birth I had envisioned and swelled up horrendously with a full-body rash after birth. I spent the first night at home with the babies sleeping on me — not because I wanted to, but because I took the first night shift and was burping them in the nursery chair, and I literally could not physically get up. I didn’t want to yell for my partner because the babies were finally asleep after so much work. So I sat there for hours holding my two beautiful sleeping sons that I loved more than the sun and the moon, crying from the physical pain and the immense love I had for them, and hoping I could keep them warm enough.
So why am I telling you this? It’s because you’re not alone. Feeling overwhelmed, feeling this mixture of intense feelings of joy and sadness, is normal AND common among newborn parents, especially parents of multiples. I know it feels almost impossible and in the moment it feels so damn hard, but it does get so much better.
First, remind yourself that everything is temporary. Each phase of fussiness would pass with time, and my kiddos would be a little bit older, and things would get a little bit easier. The colic was terrible, but with gas drops, finding the right formula, lots of burping techniques, and most importantly, time, it went away. I just had to let time do its magic and continually remind myself that.
It was a blur, but a few months in, we got their first smiles and then their first laugh, which was magical. Then at six months we sleep trained, which gave us longer chunks of sleep, which made us feel alive again. It was a blur, and before we knew it, we had two toddlers walking — no, wait, running — all over our house. Now, they’re absolutely the best of friends — they dance together, sing together, fight over toys (but then also offer each other toys), and giggle together. Now, my partner and I look at them and say, “How did we get so lucky to have these two?” When I get off work every day, I get to see these two best friends and get the best hugs and kisses ever from them. Every night when we put them to bed, they say, “Goodnight. I love you Mommy. I love you, Daddy.” I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It’s so, so hard in the early days, but you will get through it.
Second, please ask for help. There’s a tendency for friends and family to say things like, “If you need anything, please let me know.” But we don’t ask for help because we don’t want to be a burden to our friends and family. Don’t be afraid — tell them. Tell them to take initiative in putting together a meal train, to come over and watch the babies an hour while you sleep, or even to wash some baby bottles and fold laundry. Be vulnerable and let them know you’re struggling. If they’re good people, they’ll come running. If they’re not, then forget them. You have other things to worry about so they are not worth your energy. Most of the time, they genuinely want to help but don’t know how to approach it.
Third, if you can, pay for help. We had some family that traveled to help us in the early days, but we didn’t have family living near us to help consistently. I was worried about hiring anyone to help because I was protective of my babies, worried about the germs, and felt guilty since I was on maternity leave, and it was another expense. My partner and I had planned to take our parental leaves consecutively to delay putting the kids in daycare, so my partner returned to work a month after the kids were born. We realized very quickly with twins, I was struggling mentally and physically and needed more help. So we hired a mother’s helper to help with the babies, and my partner finalized some work arrangements to take his leave earlier than planned, so our parental leaves were somewhat concurrent. If I could go back in time and if cost wasn’t a factor (unfortunately for us, it was, but if it’s not the case for you), I would hire a trustworthy night doula and get paid help during the day. Newborn twins are really hard for one person to handle, much less someone recovering from birth.
While we didn’t have the money to get a ton of paid help (which is incredibly expensive in the area where we live), we were able to throw some money at gadgets and gear that legitimately helped save us tiny (and sometimes big) chunks of time. Some parents said stuff like “You don’t need it” or “It just takes a few minutes.” I agree. I didn’t need all the gear. But, if it gives you 15 more minutes of sanity a day and you can manage it, then screw them and get it. Decide for yourself what works for you — whether it’s help or physical things — don’t worry about what others think.
Fourth, take a pause on social media. Social media, especially Instagram and TikTok, is designed to be addictive, and tons of research says it’s detrimental to your mental health and self-esteem. You only see the curated version of motherhood on social media and rarely see the hard parts of it, and it’s really hard when you’re hormonal and sleep deprived not to compare yourself to them and feel inadequate. I’ve been there and wish I had gotten off social media sooner. Focus on yourself. Instead of endless scrolling, take a quick walk or even try to take a 10-minute nap. The only social media I would say was a bit more helpful was the Subreddit /parentsofmultiples because there was a community there I could talk to for advice and see that others were going through the same. But generally, please stay off social media and stop the endless comparisons.
Fifth, be kind to yourself. I know I’ve already mentioned it before, but you’ve just gone through a huge physical change to your body, and you’re now taking care of two newborns. Please, please make sure you’re taking care of your physical and mental health. Moms shoulder a lot of the physical and mental burden of raising kids, and no matter how wonderful your partner is, it can still be a lot. You can take care of your babies, but also ensure you’re taking care of yourself.
Make sure you’re making your postpartum checkups so your OBGYN can make sure you’re recovering physically and mentally from birth. Almost 40 percent of new moms don’t go to their postpartum checkups. Don’t put off and try to push through pains — it could be a sign of something serious. Trust your gut if something feels off, and seek medical help.
If you are feeling postpartum depression symptoms, please seek professional and medical help asap. Postpartum Support International offers a helpline (call 1-800-944-4773 or text “Help” to 800-944-4773). Reach out to your OBGYN for resources and suggestions for mental health support. There are often local postpartum support groups and twin parent support groups that can help. I connected with many local twin parents during the early days and even now, and I’ll always stop to chat with any twin mom or parent I meet because I know they get it. It’s like we have this bond, that we’re part of this secret club because we’ve gone through it.
Last, know that even though we may never meet or know each other, I’m rooting for you. There’s a lot of twin parents out there rooting for you. You’re doing your best, and that’s absolutely fantastic. It might not feel like it, but you got this. I’m sending you so much love and a big hug. Your kids are damn lucky to have a parent like you.
